Friday, June 10, 2011

I was this.close

I was this close to posting fantastic news today.
Fantastic news that would help make June 10th not such a horrible day.

June 10th, 2008...the day my sweet friend Gail lost her beautiful twin girls, Caroline and Samantha at nearly 20 weeks. A loss so unspeakable, a type of pain I didn't even know existed, and I say that as someone who witnessed it from afar, not lived through it.

June 10th, 2009...the day my sweet father had his massive stroke. The day that half of his brain died and he became paralyzed and unable to care for himself. The day my mom's life changed forever. All our lives did.

And then last night, although not technically June 10th, I read about sweet Lis, who lost her twin baby boy and girl at 21 weeks. This was after losing her sweet twin baby girls at 20 weeks in 2009.

This morning we woke up to an email...the email we had been waiting for. The email that said our case had cleared the US Embassy, that we could travel and go pick up our babies.

Except said we could travel to pick up our baby. One. Singular.

They have not completed our daughter's case. We have no idea when it will be completed. We were never prepared for this possibility. And of course, this happens on a Friday, and the Embassy is long since closed in Ethiopia.

"Are you willing to travel twice?" our agency wants to know.

Um, no. We cannot. We do not have that kind of money. Adoption shouldn't be about money, but let's face it, it's expensive. Traveling internationally is expensive. Buying airline tickets with only a week's notice is expensive. So no, we cannot travel twice.

The agony--to know that our son is available to unite with us but not our daughter. Leave him there? Wait? The unknown smacks us upside the head, yet again.

But none of this compares to the loss of babies. None of it. I know that.

I just wanted this June 10th to be different. But instead, I find myself sitting here, staring out our giant picture window wondering why? Why does any of this happen? Why does it seem like nothing is easy for those of us with infertility? Why do some people have two, three, nineteen babies without a hiccup and some lose four? Why am I faced with another agonizing decision, complicated by finances, powerless yet again.

To Gail, my heart will always break for the loss of Caroline and Samantha.
To Lis, my heart is breaking today for the loss of Thomas and Bayli. For the loss of Ayla and Juliet.
To my Dad, I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserved more.

And to me and Mr. MTL...we'll get through it, we always do.


  1. Oh my goodness, what a heart wrenching post just thinking about all of those losses!!! I cannot even imagine! Ok, I too no longer like June 10th, let's get it over with!

    What a bitter sweet day for you with your son and daughter! To FINALLY get THE email and then have it be singular. What a kick in the gut! Surely your daughter is right behind???? Gosh, I do not understand why everything has to be a challenge for the infertile. I hope and pray that soon your only challenges are sleepless nights. I so pray sleepless nights on you. It will be the happiest lack of sleep you have ever had and I can't wait to hear all about it! Hugs

  2. Dear Mrs MTL, I have a boulder in my gut since I read the news about Lis and Thomas and Bayli. It is unspeakable and so wrong. I pray for strength for Lis and her family as they face for a second time what they should never have been expected to face once. There are no words but I hope our incoherent prayers will give her some comfort.

    What a difficult anniversary today is. Am thinking also of Gail and of your Dad, again people asked to face events that they should never have been expected to deal with. God bless them.

    And your news Mrs MTL. For the love of God how can you be asked to split the twiblings up? They have come from Your TWO Lines and IMHO opinion should stay together until they can both come home together. I am hopeful that your little girl cannot be far behind as her bro's process has been completed. Sending another prayer to the big Daddy in the Sky that she is free to come home next week and that we can celebrate, something we sorely need to do. Please see today as the start of that celebration Love Nora xxx

  3. I don't know what to say. It's all just so, so hard. They *must* get your daughter's paperwork done. *Now*.

  4. I am so so sorry. I know this is crazy and you don't really want or need unsolicited advice, but would you consider (is it even possible) that just one of you would go pick up the child who is ready?

  5. I am so very sorry. I wish just once things would go as they are "supposed" to go. You've earned it, darn it! You are in my thoughts and heart. I hope that your daughter's case moves quickly and you are able to travel to get BOTH of your children soon.

  6. Wow, I don't even have words. You and the Mr will find a way to be with your babies and soon. I just know that. And yes, infertilty seems to continually kickus in the ass.

  7. Saying a prayer that your daughter is close behind your son.

  8. Oh sweetie, I cannot believe this is happening to you. Our poor little community knows so much pain and choices that I do not think the rest of the lucky world can even dream up. I so wish this was easier for you. If I could I would run over and grab both of your babies and bring them to you as fast as possible.
    sending much love to you

  9. no, no, no. This is NOT what I've been clicking over all day to read. I just can't stomach the unfairness of it all. I can't, so I can't begin to know what you are feeling.

    I've wished, I've prayed, I've begged, I've pleaded. I don't know what else is left - what will turn the tide?

  10. words fail. sending you loads of strength, more than you thought you'd ever need or should need after everything. desperately hoping with the rest of your blogger cheerleaders and support that we read your sweet daughter is approved so very very soon.

  11. No way! Ugh :(

    You are soooo close. Just try to hang in there a little longer. Surely baby girl isn't far behind. Surely.

    Thinking of you, Gail, Lis and your dad...

  12. What a giant stinkfest. I'm so so sorry.

  13. (But on the other hand - I am really, REALLY pleased that your son is now through).

  14. UGH! I'm so sorry to hear one of your babies was cleared but not the other. I can't imagine the frustration you and DH must be feeling. I'm keeping everything crossed that your little girl gets clearance soon.

    Hang in there.

  15. Okay, we've been away on vacation w/o internet and I've been thinking about you hoping I'd return to good news. Now listen, let's not overlook the joy that comes with your baby boy being cleared. That IS fantastic news in my opinion and I want to shower you with the good wishes. Yay! Congrats! And here's a crazy idea: if, worst case scenario, your daughter doesn't clear before you'd travel to get your son, why not have one of you go to get your son, and the other will go when your daughter has cleared. Then you haven't spent any additional money. I know this basically separates the two of you from the experience of coming home with your child(ren), but you did meet your children together. You'd just be bringing them home separately - without any time passing where one is waiting for you. Is this a horrible idea? Could it work? I wish you had the funds to fly twice - damn, I know how expensive these flights are. India will be the same. I just feel for you and want you to have your babies as quickly as possible.

    Also: sending good thoughts to your friends who have recently lost their babies. What an awful experience that we will never know and frankly, I can't even imagine.


  16. Oh man. I can not even imagine what you guys are going through right now. I truly hope you are able to find a resolution to this agonizing situation. Damn money and all the freaking grief it seems to bring with it.

    And to add that to all the other horrible things that have happened on the same day over the years. So heart wrenching. So unfair.


  17. Oh jeez! This is rough news indeed about your DD's clearance not coming through. I hope you find out some answers from the embassy next week! This is nuts already!! Here's hoping June 10th is a better date next year for you and for Lis and T, and Gail. Hugs on the painful anniversary of your dad. Hang in there...your rainbow is just around the corner.

  18. I can't believe that this is happening. This is an agonizing situation. I *wish* I had the money to give to you so you could travel twice. I HATE that they don't have their shit together so you could rush, rush, rush to get them. BOTH of them.

    And the loss of babies...just gives me a lump in my throat...can't imagine the pain of lis and Gail. I always remember Gail writing about brushing her girls' hair in a dream- I remember that when I brush the girls' hair. And your dad- he did deserve so much more. He deserved to play with your babies- take them on tractor rides, ride bikes with them, everything.


  19. What a mess! I am hoping that they will hurry up and expedite the paperwork for your daughter now that everything is in order for your son. It is totally crazy to expect you to travel over there twice.

    It is so interesting how a particular date can have such different connotations for different people. June 10 is a very happy day for me, the second most happy day now, as it is our wedding anniversary. I am so sorry that it is such a sad day for you and others.

  20. So much pain, it isn't fair, it's true. I am glad to hear you are this much closer to having your family home, and hope the rest of the good news is around the corner.

  21. I am not even sure what to say. I have a coworker who faced this dilemma also. They decided that he would go alone both times...first to get their daughter and then later again to get their son. Not ideal in the least. I wish I had a wad of cash to throw your way so you could both go both times...or would just one of you go the 2nd time because your son would already be home?? So much complexity and I know you have already thought of every possible scenario. Hoping, wishing, and praying that your daughter is approved to come home immediately. I'm sorry that there is a hurdle for you at every step of this journey.

    Also remembering your friends' babies and your dad. What a difficult day for so many...

  22. I am speachless....about it all :( I hope they find someway to get your daughters paperwork rushed so you can go pick up BOTH of your babies ASAP! HUGS!

  23. I hadn't even thought of that but I like Brenda's idea of only one of you going each time! Then you could bring your sweet boy home sooner!

  24. This is wonderful - and yet agonizing - news. thinking of you and wishing you peace as you figure out how to proceed (and hopefully get some useful information from the embassy!)


  25. I can't believe you're in such a terribly hard position - what a decision to have to make. If Brenda's idea is workable, it makes sense, but even better would be if someone could just knuckle down and make sure they're able to come home to you together. Thank you for the kind comment on my blog, by the way.

  26. While I'm so thrilled that your son's case has cleared it just breaks my heart that your daughter's hasn't and that you're faced with yet another agonizing decision. Is there any way for people to donate frequent flyer point to you or something? Just a thought.... I'm keeping you and your little ones in my thoughts as always.

    Mel. (Broken Eggs)