Friday, June 3, 2011

6

Warning: this post is very "same song one millionth verse." I'm sorry for that, because if I could sing a new song I would-- in a heartbeat.


Today my little girl turns six months old.

So make that six months of her life that I have missed, save five precious days back in March. Our little boy is six and a half months old.

I have so many posts roiling around in my head but most of them are so depressing, or so raw, and I want to put them out there but sometimes when I overspeak my mind I get into trouble so I need to tread carefully.

There is another reason the number six is significant to me but I'll leave it at that.

We started this process over two years ago. I remember telling my parents about it, in the neuroICU at the Texas Medical Center, where my Dad lay suffering from his massive stroke. I told them to bring something good into the space, into a room that was so heavy with despair. His stroke happened two years ago on June 10th. He's a sliver of his former self.

I am, too.

How many ways can you feel foolish?
Why did I wash their little crib sheets a month ago? Why did we race out and buy diapers a month ago, thinking that at any day we'd get the call to travel and wouldn't want to be purchasing last minute items? Do you know how many clothes I have that say 6 months? That they will not even get the chance to wear?

I guess there are a million ways to feel foolish in this process.

The Embassy is already closed in Ethiopia so we won't get any news today.
Which means we go into another weekend with nothing. No news. No frenzied travel plans to make. Nothing.

We get to lace up our shoes and go for a long trail run. For weeks we had been saying the words "We should do this now while we still can..." but the last time I started to say it Mr. MTL interrupted and said "Stop. Please don't say that anymore. It's just too hard."

He's right. I don't give a fuck about being able to go on a long trail run, about being to sleep late (even though I don't/can't), being able to lazily watch the day slip by. I don't care. June was not supposed to arrive without my family on the same continent.
Sometimes when I hurt so deeply I can only exercise so hard I think I'm going to die of a heart attack. Because when you can barely breathe, when each step brings searing pain in your lungs and chest, at least your brain can't think about the issues that really are breaking your heart.

But that only lasts so long.

And then you're right back to the empty nursery, the birth announcements, the daily tasks of existing, the volunteer duties, the pregnant coworkers and their birth stories, the sinking into exhausted sleep only to be awakened with dreams that they are here. And then to realize in a fog that no, they are not.

Infertility was hard.
Three surgeries was hard.
Five IVF cycles was excruciating.
Dealing with others' pregnancies and babies during infertility was hard.
Filling out paperwork for adoption was hard.
Being interviewed and prodded and investigated and fingerprinted....all hard.
But this wait...this wait is the hardest by far.

See? I told you it was the same verse again.

40 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, hon. Which sounds empty just saying it. I just want you to know that we are all aching for you to have your babies.

    Can I try empty consolation (I know this won't help): I found years 1+ to be the best because they are so interactive. This being said, I understand the longing to have the ones that you love in your arms and watch them grow and emerge into little personalities. (Runningmama from More Room in My Heart)

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  2. I am so sorry that you have had to go through all that! It might be the same verse, but this is your blog and you have people to read it that have unfortunately been through the same or similar hell. I think that for those of us who have fought so hard to have a family we appreciate it so much more. Keep us posted!

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  3. I am the exact same way as you and the Mr. Every vacation or weekend away or late night spent is always followed by, lets do this now while we can. I am so sick of that statement.

    My heart literally breaks when I think of those precious babies waiting for you, but I know that they will be home with you both soon and you will more than make up for the time apart with your love.

    UGH, I wish this was easier and quicker for you.

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  4. I'm so sorry. I so wish I had a magic wand for you. I was just reading about a similar growing slow down in Korean adoptions--mostly political. It just sucks.

    Thinking of you. Hang in there.

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  5. I hate this for you. I cannot imagine how hard it is. It might be the "same song" over and over, but you have every right to belt that song out every day until your babies are in your arms.
    -Meghan

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  6. My heart breaks for you!!! I agree with all the other comments, it might feel like the same old song but it is yours. Your song, your husbands song and your babies song. Sing it as loud and as often as you want to and can. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and my every hope is that your song will change, but for now I will listen anytime you want to sing any song you want to!!!!

    Kathy

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  7. I'm sorry...I just can't even understand how hard this is and I'm just sorry.

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  8. I'm sorry. It is so sad and terrible.

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  9. I am so sorry. I was just sharing your story with a friend today and asking her send some positive thoughts to you and your little ones on the other side of the globe. I must have known you needed those thoughts right now.

    My heart breaks for you. I pray that one day VERY SOON you will have those precious little miracles in your arms. I wish I had the right words to say to make even a tiny part of your hurt go away. You are in my thoughts, my dear friend.

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  10. Well, you know I don't swear but this makes me want to say *&(*&^(£)(U)£((*&$*&"^*&^£*&"^.

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  11. You think at some point we would become immune to the 'waiting'...we never do though. I wish there was a wonderful 'drug' we could take that would make all of this be a blur and make time race instead of stand still.

    I am so so sorry you are still waiting...You are in my thoughs and prayers, as are your two babies!! xo

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  12. As many times you need to say that verse we will be here to listen, I can not imagine ow hard this must be. I hope your babies are with you soon!

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  13. I'm just hoping that you get a call (like, NOW) that you need to get on a plane immediately and go get those babies. I'm mad/frustrated/impotent/furious along with you. If there is ANYTHING I can do, please say. Can I take you out for a few hours of mental escape? I'm tired of offering you chocolate- I want to offer you babysitting, dammit. Love you guys.

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  14. im so sorry you have to live one more second without them. i wish i could make it all better for you, friend. hoping, incessantly, that the end is soon.
    xoxo
    lis

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  15. So sorry that it is so hard. That sounds so hollow, but know that I do feel for you. And there is nothing wrong with saying it again and again - it is what you are living every day so never apologize.

    Would it be too weird or painful to have a little half birthday celebration for her - just you and the Mr - maybe a cupcake with a candle? Or I know someone else who on their half birthdays buy an age appropriate gift and give it to someone else the same age. Maybe it would be too painful, or maybe a distraction.

    I can't imagine how you are holding on in this horrible limbo. Sending good thoughts your way.

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  16. I feel like I have nothing helpful to say... and I know nobody's words take away anything you and Mr. are feeling.
    just.... fuck. you know?

    I'll be praying for you ... for what it's worth.

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  17. I'm sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to know that they are legally your children now and to love them and not be with them. I hope you get the call soon! Sending good thoughts your way.

    -L

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  18. Ashley,
    Our prayers are with you for this tough time. My husband suggested that you write to your congressman about this so that they can trigger the process for you. We had some visa issues for me (as I was in India) and he wrote to his congressman and they worked on the case immediately. Please write to your congressman about your case and it might work. Please do so.

    Tonnes and Tonnes of love and postive vibes to your family,

    Bhuvana

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  19. Ashley,
    This happened in Austin few years ago. Please try that path too. If it works, it works right. Maybe you have done this already. But if not, do so.

    Visit www.house.gov to see who your representatoive is and call their office and explain your situation. Follow-up with a formal letter and since the case in US Embassy, they might be able to help you.

    I was in India and we had some visa issues for me after my marriage(as my husband was in Austin). My husband wrote to his congressman and they immediately did whatever they could and I got a call for interview in US consulate in India. This was 10 years ago but it definitely worked.

    Please please try this route and if you need any help, I would love to help. Whatever it takes to bring your babies home.

    Tonnes and tonnes of love and Bear hugs,
    Bhuvana

    PS: Please do let me know what happens. You can send me an email at bhuvana.sarab@gmail.com

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  20. I just want to reach out to you and make sure you know that we are all here for you... we wait in anticipation too. Our hearts break with yours and our patience is tested everytime we see a post from you.

    I wish, with all the power we have as your support, that we could bend time and make the future now and the past a hint of a memory.

    Sending you big, big hugs!!

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  21. I am commenting with the same song too - WTF????? Geez, just reading that makes me cry with frustration, I can't even begin to imagine your pain. UGH!!! Why in the world does this take so long??? It makes no sense at all. ((((((hugs)))))

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  22. Oh I am so so sorry. My heart is aching for you and your husband, and for those little babies you are waiting for.
    Amy xxx

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  23. Just reaching out to give you a big big hug...

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  24. =(((((((( Sad heavy heart here thinking of you. ((((((Hugs))))))

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  25. So very, very frustrating. Thinking of you.

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  26. PinkandBlueDreamsJune 4, 2011 at 5:58 PM

    Hello, I came across your blog during one of my million infertility/ ivf searches. I have read through your posts and am crying for you and your husband. You must be an exceptional person to have been so strong through all you have endured.
    I will always think of your strength when I'm feeling down and like I can't face another day or when I feel like I don't have the strength to face yet another dissapoitment.
    I will pray for you and your far away babies. They don't know yet how lucky they are to have you waiting and wanting them.
    All my prayers and hopes to you ~ Erin
    Best of luck and much deserved happines to you real soon!!!

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  27. Crying with you. To be away from your babies because someone else, something else won't let you be with them- it just crushes you- even though you know they'll be ok- they're not with YOU. And that's all you want. Praying you get them home soon.
    Bea

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  28. This sucks. I heard about someone with a similar problem and she hired someone in the other country to go and spend time with her little one while she waited.

    T

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  29. :( Thinking of you and sending many hugs!!

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  30. i have nothing useful to say. i read your last verse and it made me cry. none of us should have to endure so much pain to get to the light at the end. thinking of you!

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  31. Ugh, I can't image what you're going through. And, it's just so unfair after all the shit you've dealt with over the years. I will be hoping and praying for you.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog and pointing me to your "new" location.

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  32. This is so sad. I pray that there is someone in this process who takes a special interest in these babies and goes above and beyond to get them to their home. Thinking of you...

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  33. Of course this is harder. Now you are a parent of two small children, and when things go wrong where your children are concerned it's a whole different kind of heartbreak. I only hope that after this is resolved that you never again have to go through this level of agony as a parent.

    You are strong, my dear. After everything you've been through, with infertility and your dad and now this, you (and Mr.2L) have what it takes to get you and your kids through this. They are still two of the luckiest babies on the planet to be going home to you, even if it takes a little bit longer. (But, oh, I hope it is just the tiniest littlest bit longer!)

    You are learning so many of the lessons about parenting the hard way, before your babes are even home, but the biggest one is that no matter what you will do what it takes to make things right for those little ones.

    Can't wait to hear the first verse of a new song soon.

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  34. Sending you support across the miles. Also to say that you can post this song 10 times a day if it helps you to express your pain. And that you should never, ever get into trouble where you are expressing your heartfelt emotions. So sorry that this week has not brough you the call you, Mr M2L and your babies deserve. Sending out prayers to the Big Daddy in the Sky that next week brings you THAT call. Love and hugs xxxx

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  35. I cannot even imagine how hard this is. I'm so, so, so, so sorry and cannot believe they haven't figured it freaking out already. Thinking of you all the time.

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  36. I wish there was something I could offer you to help you through this. I can only imagine the agony of waiting for so long to hold your sweet babies so I offer you virtual hugs and I'm hoping beyond all hope that this works itself out before your heart breaks completely!

    Mel. from Broken Eggs...

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  37. (Argh, I knew my other comment didn't post!)

    MTL, I am so sorry about the heartache of this wait...this long wait that just needs to be over already. (Enough is enough, Universe! Are you listening?!)

    I am glad you have this mountain of support on your blog...and nobody is tired of this song. It's your song right now...and the background chorus is here singing along, "It's time for this wait to over!"

    Hoping this song comes to an end soon...and can't wait to hear the new songs you and Mr. MTL will be creating. Big, BIG HUGS.

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  38. Keep singing, friend, just keep on singing. I feel like whater I say will be useless because it does nothing to bring your babies home. I'm sorry this is so hard. So freaking sorry...

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  39. I'm sorry I've been away, not commenting for so long. I've actually thought about you a lot. You started posting on this blog about the time I stopped writing very much on mine, and honestly, I didn't even recognize this blog name down at the bottom of my google reader. But then I clicked over and I realized my folly...

    Anyway, I'm sorry you're still waiting. Truly and totally. I want those babies to come home to their mama. :(

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  40. My heart is aching for you, Mrs. MTL. I'm so sorry. This is so unfair, to all four of you. You need those babies and those babies need their mama.

    I can't imagine how hard this is. Thinking about you and wishing that your wait ends very soon.

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