I am alive.
I am around.
I am trying to comment and read and follow when I can. I don't know if anyone is still around this space but I promised to never just disappear into the ether so here I am.
I am still sad. While trying to straighten up a neverending pile of papers that looked innocuous enough I came across the notes I had made for the obituary I wrote for my Dad and it nearly took me to my knees.
I ran my 50K race this past weekend. I placed 10th out of 38 females. I wore my Dad's hat pre-race but it was too too hot and humid to wear it while running. I hurt--miles 26-30 were excruciating and no matter how much I wanted to run effortlessly in honor of my father my quadriceps didn't necessarily see things the same way. I sobbed for a minute when I saw the finish line and I could picture my Dad there, cheering for me. God he wanted me to be a runner so much and I know he would have been thrilled to see me run 31 miles.
My Mom met me at the finish line and wrapped me in a towel, probably the same thing she used to do for my Dad when he crossed all of his finish lines. She's doing OK, but I worry about her.
My children are beautiful, but you didn't need me to tell you that. I can't take credit for their beauty so I am allowed to brag incessantly, right? They are almost two years old and I can't keep up with their language and growth. It is an amazing thing to witness.
I have had so many complex emotions lately...I guess we all do...I'm not claiming or pretending to be different from anyone else. I just don't always know how to sort them out. Some days I hurt so much for all the hurt in the world it threatens to take me right under. When does it end? Other days I just go about my day complaining about my ridiculous first world problems and then buy a new chevron striped blanket at Target.
I guess all I can do is shake my head and wonder how the hell I got so, so lucky.
How are you doing?
I am so glad to see an update from you! It's understandable that you aren't here writing all the time, but we still miss you. I'm sorry you are still hurting, I haven't lost a parent, so I can't say I know how you feel. But I have heard that while the pain never goes away completely it does eventually subside.
ReplyDeleteHope everything else is going well for you!
...
PS I'm sure the internets (especially me) will be more forgiving of your prolonged absences if the returns are accompanied by pictures of your almost-toddlers!
Glad to hear from you! Your race sounds grueling and bittersweet. I'm sure your dad was cheering you on from above.
ReplyDeleteThe kids are almost two? How did that happen?! I agree with Rachael, we need some pics!
Hope you are getting thru the bad days a little easier and enjoying the better days a little more. Hugs to you.
Glad to hear from you, and again - you put us all to shame with the 50K thing. I mean, damn girl, that is seriously impressive. Of course your Dad is beaming with pride, wherever his spirit is now. Running beside you through those last ugly miles I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm doing ok, thanks for asking! Almost two, isn't this age so fun? I'm enjoying it too. Pining for #2, but not terribly so. And yes, I would like to see the cuteness that is your babies (they will always be our babies, right?). Post 'em!
Hugs, dear. It is hard, grief is. I hope virtual hugs can help a smidge.
Wow...50K?!! That's incredibly amazing girl! Good job. I am sorry your heart is still so heavy. Good to hear from you. I hope to update my blog soon. Just so darn busy.
ReplyDeleteI've never read your blog before (how is that?!). Yay for running a 50K. I just started running last summer- nothing big or major but my terrain where I live is sort of extreme. I run everyday. And I just read Born To Run.
ReplyDeleteSorry about your dad. :(
I'm so glad to "see" you back in this space. Sending lots of love and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted--50k is seriously awesome! Holy moly, lady! I recently heard grief described as waves on a beach--sometimes one just comes out of nowhere and knocks you flat. Anyway I think of you often and hope you and your family are hanging in there. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteYes, your readers are still here and checking in. Thank you for posting. Grief kind of ebbs and flows, doesn't it? Hang in there....it takes time. Anyway, glad you are still around, and yes, we would love to see pics of the kids. What were they for Halloween? Yes, two is an amazing age. Lots of "testing" but also so much growth, enthusiasm and love. It is amazing. Thanks for sharing. Heather
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to 'see' you back again too... I don't know the grief of losing a parent but I can imagine that you are handling it with the grace and strength that you've shown through the years as we have gotten to 'know' you. Congrats on your big finish- the longest distance I've ever run (and ever will run!) was a half marathon and I always say the last mile was the longest 5 miles of my life... ;) It's amazing the things our bodies are capable of, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteOh A, I'm just so happy to hear from you here, wherever you're at. Congrats on an amazing accomplisment. I truly hope you made yourself proud. We're cheering for you! I'm no great advice-giver when it comes to complex emotions but no, you're not alone. You're not alone when it comes to chevron, either!
ReplyDeleteAnd let's see more of these beautiful children!
50 as in fifty as in FIVE ZERO???????
ReplyDeleteWow. That's some achievement.
It's always good to hear from you no matter what's going on in your journey. I'm just sorry there is so much heartache. I too find myself very sad when I think of all the pain in this world. Last week it was the homeless man who pulls his dog in a cart behind his bicycle. I've always been afraid to approach him, but my heart tells me I have to the next time I see him. I think it's good to care - somebody needs to care, even if it hurts, right? What would this world be like if there weren't people like you and your husband who give your time at the shelter and learn about other countries and do what you can to help? I have a feeling your kiddos will be awesome and caring young people who will make a difference in this world too. And your dad will be so proud of all of you :) I'm sure his spirit was with you as you ran your legs off too! 50k is beyond my comprehension - congratulations! And I hope your soft heart gets a break now and then. I really do. You deserve it.
ReplyDelete50K. Geez! When I read about your awesome runs on trails, I'm nothing but JEALOUS. I wish I had your athleticism and stamina. You're amazing!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I take credit for my daughter's beauty, though she certainly didn't inherit it from me. But why not? I know beauty is so much about her spunky personality as well as her adorable pig tails - and I hope I have a teeny bit to do with that. So I say thank you and feel some pride. You should too. Your kids are beautiful people, inside and out, because you are their mother. And they'll be who they'll be some day because of you. So take a bow and get used to the compliments. There will be many.
Glad to hear from you, and amazed and duly impressed by your 50 K-- bowing to you!
ReplyDeleteI would also love to see Halloween (or any) pictures. Hang in there-- the passing of a parent is hard but it gets a tiny bit less hard every day. And there are still days for me, almost six years later (can it really be that long?) when I tear up and miss her and bemoan the fact that my children will never meet my mother. Hugs to you, always.
So great to see an update from you!
ReplyDeleteYou deserve the beauty in your life. And know that your dad is watching you enjoy every minute of it.
xoxo
Hard to believe we haven't connected before now. Thanks for the comment on my blog. And you're amazing to run a 50K; you are officially awesome. And my inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about the loss of your dad. Grief ebbs and flows; good days and bad. Lots of love.
xoxo
Always cheering you guys on from the sidelines! Xoxo Tracy(yay! Obama!)
ReplyDelete