1,000 Steps Back

So today was supposed to be a happy post.
A "we passed court" HOORAY type of post, where I would show off pictures of my lovelies.

I have been so good lately, despite this latest court debacle, despite having things delayed two unnecessary weeks (which in terms of my babies' lives and mine is an eternity). For months now I have been able to tolerate pregnant women, fertiles, babies, happy families--I have been ok. I have felt healed.

Until this morning. When I realized that if the federal government shuts down all international adoptions will come to a grinding halt.

So it won't matter if we pass court (still haven't heard by the way, though it was supposed to happen this morning). The U.S. Embassy won't be working on visas, plain and simple.

Orphans will languish in orphanages for however long it takes to get this budget crap figured out, and the line grows longer and longer so that when they reopen there will be a huge backlog. Lovely. Lovely.

Seventeen years ago the federal government shut down for 21 days. Mr. MTL was a federal employee at the time, we were newlyweds by a few months, and he had this sudden vacation. I was also sicker than I'd ever been in my life and he took care of me and it all worked out and we were just out a little pay.

What are the odds that seventeen years later, on the very day that we should be having our case forwarded to the United States Government that the United States Government would shut down?

We have our theories. It's because the Mr. and Mrs. MTL signed up and it seems that despite trying to live pretty decent lives we get kicked in the teeth quite a bit when it comes to family building.

I woke up so happy. I had plans to go to the mall and do some baby clothes shopping. Mostly for others but one little bitty tiny mod swimsuit had finally gone on sale and I wanted to buy it for baby girl. By the time I dragged myself to the mall I had regressed to the angry infertile I used to be, the girl I don't like too much, the girl that makes me depressed and sad. I was shooting daggers at every Mom I saw--I could care less if she struggled to get there the point is her baby is here.

Here.

Not there.

Not potentially held up in limbo while stupid government officials battle it out.

I couldn't buy the clothes that were to be gifts. They didn't even have the swimsuit in the right size. Looking at tiny baby clothes overwhelmed me like it used to and I just had to leave.

I told the Mr. I am on the verge of a major breakdown. I can feel the dam starting to give and believe me, there is a force behind it so great I am just not sure what might happen when it finally goes.

Tonight we're working at the shelter so I guess I'll have to hold it together for that. But the rest of the weekend, if the government does indeed shut down, you can find me curled into a ball on the couch sucking my thumb, ok?

And yes, I know the government shutdown is not necessarily going to happen. But really? Shouldn't I prepare myself for the worst at this point?

PS And if it really shuts down over funding for Planned Parenthood you might just had to admit me to the rubber room. Do.not.even.get.me.started.