Friday, April 8, 2011

1,000 Steps Back

So today was supposed to be a happy post.
A "we passed court" HOORAY type of post, where I would show off pictures of my lovelies.

I have been so good lately, despite this latest court debacle, despite having things delayed two unnecessary weeks (which in terms of my babies' lives and mine is an eternity). For months now I have been able to tolerate pregnant women, fertiles, babies, happy families--I have been ok. I have felt healed.

Until this morning. When I realized that if the federal government shuts down all international adoptions will come to a grinding halt.

So it won't matter if we pass court (still haven't heard by the way, though it was supposed to happen this morning). The U.S. Embassy won't be working on visas, plain and simple.

Orphans will languish in orphanages for however long it takes to get this budget crap figured out, and the line grows longer and longer so that when they reopen there will be a huge backlog. Lovely. Lovely.

Seventeen years ago the federal government shut down for 21 days. Mr. MTL was a federal employee at the time, we were newlyweds by a few months, and he had this sudden vacation. I was also sicker than I'd ever been in my life and he took care of me and it all worked out and we were just out a little pay.

What are the odds that seventeen years later, on the very day that we should be having our case forwarded to the United States Government that the United States Government would shut down?

We have our theories. It's because the Mr. and Mrs. MTL signed up and it seems that despite trying to live pretty decent lives we get kicked in the teeth quite a bit when it comes to family building.

I woke up so happy. I had plans to go to the mall and do some baby clothes shopping. Mostly for others but one little bitty tiny mod swimsuit had finally gone on sale and I wanted to buy it for baby girl. By the time I dragged myself to the mall I had regressed to the angry infertile I used to be, the girl I don't like too much, the girl that makes me depressed and sad. I was shooting daggers at every Mom I saw--I could care less if she struggled to get there the point is her baby is here.

Here.

Not there.

Not potentially held up in limbo while stupid government officials battle it out.

I couldn't buy the clothes that were to be gifts. They didn't even have the swimsuit in the right size. Looking at tiny baby clothes overwhelmed me like it used to and I just had to leave.

I told the Mr. I am on the verge of a major breakdown. I can feel the dam starting to give and believe me, there is a force behind it so great I am just not sure what might happen when it finally goes.

Tonight we're working at the shelter so I guess I'll have to hold it together for that. But the rest of the weekend, if the government does indeed shut down, you can find me curled into a ball on the couch sucking my thumb, ok?

And yes, I know the government shutdown is not necessarily going to happen. But really? Shouldn't I prepare myself for the worst at this point?

PS And if it really shuts down over funding for Planned Parenthood you might just had to admit me to the rubber room. Do.not.even.get.me.started.

29 comments:

  1. UGHHHHHH!!!!! I am soooo sick of you getting kicked in the teeth, come on already, get this girl her babies!!!! I am soooo sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope, really hope that this is just another small step backward following by a huge leap forward. Hugs!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh MTL, this blows so much. And you have every right to be furious - I'm furious with you! I just hate that this whole process has to fling your emotions around so much. And I hate that the fate of your family rests in a folder on someone's desk... What is WRONG with the world???

    I hope our government pulls their shit together (for once!) and gets things figured out right quick.

    Side note: You are a great writer. And thanks for all of your support, especially as of late. Your comment on my last post meant a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. holding your hand and your tissue box. hoping this is over soon.
    xoxo
    lis

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree, this government shutdown is absolute BS, and its so unfair that congress still gets paid while everything else comes to a grinding halt. You have every right to be furious. Do whatever you need to get through this latest hurdle. It just sucks, plain and simple. Will be thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I wish I had more and better words, but I am just so sorry you are going through this, I want your happily ever after to come... soon.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow, that sucks, just one more thing to add to your obstacles. I will be thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Um, I can't even allow my brain to fathom what this shutdown means to you and Mr. MTL at this point....

    I will hold my breath and cross my fingers and all that other "lucky analogy" crapola until the coast seems clear.

    ((((hugs)))))

    ReplyDelete
  8. I fucking hate politics. This just bites. You deserve your happily-ever-after more than anyone I know and I am so pissed on your behalf. I wish there was something I could do to change this for you. Just know that I'm thinking of you, DH and your babies today.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have just been lurking on your blog but just wanted to let you know this breaks my heart for you. You certainly have been put through the ringer. I hope those babies are in your arms soon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is just so ridiculous. I have nothing to say, really, the whole situation just makes me so angry. Of all the stupid things to get in the way....argh!!! Sending lots of hugs your way.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well, here's the (hug) I should have given you this morning, blathering on about nonsense. I think the shut down is happening, so I guess all I can hope for now is that it's over on say, Monday. I really hope it is - I want those babies here for you as soon as possible.

    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh Mrs MTL this is too much. I am hoping for NO MORE DELAYS for you, Mr MTL and your babies. A minute's delay is a minute too long. Sending you BIG HUGS elliej xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am wanting to give you a big hug right now. Sometimes life can be so unpredictable that it feels like we get sea sick with every turn.

    The only words that I can offer is breathe deeply and breathe often.... and continue to hold on tight to weather this storm...yet another storm out of our control.

    Thinking of you~

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hang on, Mrs. MTL...don't let that damn dam go. You are too close. But, even a strong, brave person, such as yourself, is allowed to break down every now and then. If it happens, let it happen and don't be hard on yourself. That sun will come out soon and you will be back to waking up happy. Hopefully our government will make some respectable decisions in the coming days. Thinking of you!...and thanking your for supporting me on my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am sorry beyond words for you. I do not pretend to know your exact heartbreak but your sadness and frustration is palpable. I am hoping beyond hope that this gov't shut down does not happen. There are countless reasons why this should never happen, but you have moved to top of my list.
    Sending love to you two and those two little babies all those miles away.

    ReplyDelete
  16. OMGosh! I never even thought about this aspect of it! I've been so caught up in how stupid and childish it all is and how military families may not get pay and I didn't even think of the poor babies in orphanages! Ugh! This makes me SICK. They better pull through! Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  17. As a government employee (and my husband is a gov't contractor), I truly believe the LONGEST we would be shut down is a week. The current political climate is different and the amounts of $$ they are discussing is so much smaller...I really don't think we're going to face a 21 shut down. I'm sorry though!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh, I am so sorry. It's just one speed bump after another. I am stunned a government can just shut down as a whole.
    I hope this all ends quickly so you can wrap your arms around your children again. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Sending hugs, hope, and many prayers for you guys and your beautiful babies!! They WILL be in your arms and in their loving home soon!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have been reading your blog for a while, but never commented. I'm a lurker. This post ANGERS me beyond description. I've been mad and upset about the potential shut down all day because it is so SILLY (not really the word I want to use, but I'm trying to be nice). Now I'm just flat out PISSED. Things will work out...and one day, when you're taking your two precious babies to the park...or going for an afternoon stroll on a beautiful spring day...days like today will only be a distant memory.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This blows. You just need a break and I am sending you virtual hugs.

    T

    ReplyDelete
  22. Aaagh! I am at the end of my rope with these idiots! When you look at politics you have to hand it to the people who know how to reach a compromise. But some of them are just "taking their ball and going home" and leaving everyone else to deal with the consequences. And I am so, so sorry that you may be left with the consequences.

    I am just hoping like crazy that you won't suffer much for this - you deserve a break, so now would be a good time!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Shut down averted for now:)

    T

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh MTL this is horrendous. That's all I can think of to say. Amy :-(

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank goodness they were able to work out a deal, but I can't imagine how freaked out you must have been. It's true I never would have thought about all the ways that a shutdown could affect people's lives. I hope that any and all delays blocking your path from now on will be eliminated and you'll be holding those babies soon!

    ReplyDelete
  26. OMG so scary!! I HOPE things really start moving now! Praying for you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sitting beside you as you wait. Sending you and the Mr love, strength and hope.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ok, late to the game, and just saw the politicos came to an agreement (for an extension at least) so no shutdown. This is good, right? So if embassies stay open, what is the timetable from here?

    Hang in there, MTL! You are close, very close. Sometimes being this close makes the wait even more difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm glad I came to this post after your much happier one, posted today!

    My experience (and I know everybody differs...) has been that those feelings of grief and loss over the hard way our family started still come back, sometimes when I least expect it.

    ReplyDelete