Thursday, March 31, 2011

All over the place.

I am back. I have been trying to catch up and comment and so some of you know I am home (!) and I felt like I needed to post something...but I am just all over the place.


My heart, my mind, my body, completely disjointed. So forgive the bullet points but it's the only way I can oroganize some quick thoughts for an update type post.

The amazing:
  • The babies. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Fairly healthy.There are no words to describe the experience of meeting them in person for the first time, even though the nanny tried to hand our son to someone else, thinking she was the mother! We are smitten, pure and simple.
  • Ethiopia is beautiful. The people are wonderful, gracious, peaceful souls. They wanted nothing more than to please us. Despite all of the issues they face that would take our spoiled western selves down in a second, their spirit is inspiring.
  • The foster home where the babies are now is good. The nannies (ratio of 1 to 3-4 babies) are loving and kind and extremely attentive. So attentive in fact that we were not 'allowed' to do anything--I did not get to feed them or change them once because they view that as their job, not ours. And we did  not want to ruffle any feathers so we didn't fight it.
  • We had unlimited time with the babies--endless hours to hold them, cuddle them, and play with them.
  • We received our MOWA letter, the potential holdup that could have stalled our case for months.

The bad:
  • We did not pass court. . This was completely unexpected. Court was supposed to be easy, almost a formality. We do not travel back, though I would in a heartbeat, exorbitant airline costs be damned.
  • Now we just wait. Instead of waiting for our Embassy date, we wait for the court issue to be resolved. We hope and pray it can be resolved because while not legally ours, they are ours in our hearts and minds and I cannot imagine anything otherwise.
  • Leaving the babies. Most definitely the most heartbreaking thing I have ever done. I sobbed and sobbed and frankly freaked the nannies out.
  • Poverty. I will post more on this later, but it is unimaginable for those of us here and no one deserves to face the hardships we saw everywhere.
  • The orphanage where my babies lived for their first three and four months. I held it together during the 'tour' and then fell apart in the car leaving. I can't even describe it here, it still overwhelms me to think about it.  They are no longer living at this orphanage but rather at the foster home run by our agency that I described above. But the orphanage is full of other babies, waiting to be adopted, and we will not forget them. More on this later as we organize the CD sale fundraiser and other fundraisers to benefit this orphanage. The needs are immense.
  • I feel bad for even listing this as something bad because it feels incredibly petty in light of all we saw in Ethiopia, but it took us 48 hours of traveling to get home. Canceled flights, inept airline employees, and lots of tears and frustration and jet lag later, we are home.
So yes, our bodies are home. But are hearts are in Ethiopia. I can scarcely look at the nursery which now looms ever more empty. I have no control over what happens next but if I were wealthy, if I didn't need my job, I would get back on a plane this instant and live there until I could bring them home. They need me and I need them.

For now I will just stare at the hundreds of photos we took, watch the video clips we shot, and dream about going back. It's all I can think about and all I can do.


  1. Wow, that sounds like an incredible amount to digest. I will be thinking of you, your babies, and all those other babies. And hoping that your court stuff gets resolved SOON.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing. Your are an inspiration. You will remain in my prayers through this difficult journey. Can't wait to buy LOTS of CDs.

  3. Wow, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to come home not knowing when you will see them again. Hang in there!

  4. oh sweetie, I have BEEN THERE (at home, having left my two beloved babies behind, with no idea when the court date is going to be) so I know that you must be LOSING YOUR MIND. I'm so, so, so, so sorry about the new requirement for paperwork - that must have been a huge shock. Hoping they get it together soon. I was hoping that we would be hearing that you were just watiing for an embassy date - I'm so sorry you have to go through this additional step.

    You probably don't remember, but this is the point where I started doing digital scrapbooking, just for an excuse to stare at their photos for hours at a time, while still feeling like I was 'doing' something. I know it sounds crazy, and I guess it was, but it's not like we had any other optiosn for seeing them, right? - it's cheaper than therapy!

  5. WOW, first I was reading and thinking OMG how awesome! I'm so sorry about the bad side though. How frustrating and heartbreaking. You and your babies are in my prayers. HUGS

  6. Incredible post...I've been wondering how you were doing. I just can't imagine how your holding up having to leave your babies. You & your little ones are in my prayers! I can't wait until your all together & I know you can't either! What a joyous day that will be!

  7. I do not even begin to imagine what you are feeling like with your two little ones so far away right now. It sounds an amazing journey in so many ways- and very eye opening.
    I hope this hang up is resolved soon and I am so sorry that another road block has been put in your way. thinking of you 4.....

  8. I am literally sobbing as I write!

    My heart breaks all around - for the stalled process, for your babies not being in your arms, for the babies that may never know loving arms...or a warm bed with a kitchen full of food.

    I just can't handle the irony of life - some with so much, too much that haven't a clue and those with so little...too little, that have more spirit than most.

    I can imagine how disorienting this entire experience is - I pray that the pieces fall quickly into place so you aren't stuck in a jet-lagged fragmented frame of mind.

    Anyway I can help with raising money for the orphange(s) - I will!!!

    "Welcome home" feels trite, so I will just say - it's nice to know you are "here."


  9. Wow, what emotions you must be going through right now.
    I can't imagine holding my babies and then leaving not knowing when I would see them again.
    You are so strong!!!
    You and your family will be in my thoughts and I hope you hear something soon!

  10. I am so happy for you that you got to see and hold your babies and cannot beging to even comprehend how difficult it was to leave them. I hope this court issue resolves quickly and you can get those babies home soon.

  11. gosh im all over the place reading this. i am hoping so hard that things get straightened out this week and your babies can come home SOON.x

  12. Wow, what a trip. I'm overwhelmed reading this, as I'm sure you must feel too. I'm so glad you were able to hold and cuddle those babies as much as you could, that warms my heart to read. I'm staying positive, and hoping that this court craziness resolves quickly. Your kids need to come home to you soon.

  13. Can't stop crying, I want you to have your babies NOW!

  14. Your babies! I love that phrase! I can hear the low rumbling of a thousand friends praying for their imminent homecoming. GET THE BABIES HOME, it says. GET THOSE BABIES HOME WHERE THEY BELONG.

  15. Oh my gosh, this post brings back so many memories for me when I was going thru the adoption of my daughter from Guatemala, everything sounds just the same, the painful waiting and just wanting them to be home with you forever. Our precious children thru adoption are so special and so worth it!! I am thinking of you and hoping for a quick resolution to everything so your babies can be home with you asap!!

  16. Oh, MTL. I was hoping the not passing court bit was an April Fool's joke. I'm so, so sorry that paperwork- freaking paperwork!- is holding up the process of getting your babies home. I can't wait to read more about your experiences there, and am sending lots of hugs through the universe.

  17. I've been a reader for a long time, but this is my first time commenting. There is a huge knot in my throat for you. I'm glad you got to finally see your babies in person and hold them and play with them. But I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must have been to see everything they had endured and then get on a plane without them. I'm praying that the court issues are resolved quickly and that you get to rock them to sleep in their own nursery soon.

  18. wow, wow, wow.

    welcome home.

    babies soon to follow.

  19. So ridiculous! I hope this gets resolved soon! Thinking of you all.


  20. I have been thinking of you. I have no words after your post. My only hope is that the stupid legal shit gets resolved FAST so that you are your amazing babies are reunited again...permentantly.

  21. I have tears in my eyes thinking about you holding your babies :) I am so hoping the courts clear everything up QUCKILY so you can fill that nursery. I can't imagine how your heart is feeling having seen them, held them, loved on them and having to leave them. Know they love you too and will remember you until you pick them up forever! xo

  22. been thinking about you and your journey....

    don't have the right words... I just...

    wow... thank you for taking us a long.

  23. I have thought about you every single day since your last post.
    I can't even begin to fathom what life has been like for the last week for you... I'm so sorry there seems to be holdups and crazy things going on at every turn.
    I'll continue to pray until these babies are at home with their mom and dad where they belong.

  24. I can't imagine! All I can think is that you KNOW it will be final soon enough and that all will be well. Wow. It must have been so amazing to be all together.

    Can't wait to see them someday when I am back home visiting! I am just crossing my fingers that it will all go smoothly, that you will be over these paperwork hurdles and onto the real challenges of raising two babies in no time. Sooo happy for you!

  25. My eyes are filling with tears for you- of both joy and sadness. I will keep you and your babies close in my heart until you are all reunited. My heart also breaks so much hearing of the conditions in the orphanage. Thinking of you my friend!

  26. Oh MTL, this post socked me right in the gut. With tears of joy and sadness for you.

    It's just so incredibly heartbreaking to think that there are any children out there in such terrible conditions - who could be loved and helped so easy here...

    Wishing and praying that your court issues get cleared swiftly.

    (looking forward to your next update)

  27. My heart is so heavy for you both. I wish everything gets resolved quickly. I can't imagine what it must have been like to say goodbye to your babies. My eyes are full of tears.

  28. That's exactly it, the good and the bad, typical for life, right? It's great you were able to spend so much time with them. I also can imagine how you felt having to leave your babies there. That must have been so hard. All that legal stuff will resolve itself, it's the matters of the heart that really get to us. I hope you can focus on that fact that someday soon they will be with you!!! :)

  29. I'm so glad you got to spend time with your sweet babies! Sorry to hear about the latest roadblock though, I really hope everything gets worked out quickly!

  30. Wow, it just does not get any easier for you :(

    I hope you are reunited with your babies MUCH sooner than you expect.

    Thinking of you...

  31. Praying that you get that last piece of paperwork swiftly. It must have been amazing to see your babies and spend time with them. I hope you are reunited with them soon.

    Hang in there.

  32. My heart is just smiling at the thoughts of you holding your gorgeous babies, YOUR babies!!! That is great news on the mowa letter!! Hoping that the court issue will just be a minor set back. What a stressful process.

  33. Wow, what an amazing trip! I'm so impressed that you went over there knowing that you would not be coming home with your babies. I can't imagine how hard it was to leave them, but what a gift to see your new children! I'm all for the living over there till they can come home. Any chance you can take a leave of absence from work? Africa is an amazing place - the people, the diversity of cultures, the wildlife; probably why I was so obsessed with it for years.

  34. Wow. I can't even imagine going through of all of that, nor the difficult situation that exists over there. I think you are so incredibly brave. And although I've said it before, I wish you could take all the images and pain and money spent, and burn it into the brains of stupid people who ask infertiles, why do you just adopt? I think that what you are going through is even more painful that what I have had to endure.

    I will be thinking of you and hoping that everything gets resolved soon.

  35. I am crying for you guys as I read this. I can't imagine how it was to tour the orphanage where they were born and then to be able to hold and snuggle them and then have to leave them! I wish you could go back and stay there until they came home with you too! So much. I hope that court issue is resolved very very soon and you are reunited. Hugs.

  36. Those babies are so lucky to have you as their mom and you're lucky to have them as yours children. I am choked up over your recount. I wish you and them the quickest turnaround on all of the paperwork so life can be as it should - the sooner the better.