Wednesday, May 25, 2011

There is no relief.

Too many tears today.
Bad news from our agency.
Nothing is happening.
We are powerless.
All we can do is wait.
And look at the two high chairs.
And close the door to the nursery.
And go to sleep, and wake up, and go to work.
And wait.
Day turns into night and night turns into day and nothing seems to change.
The powers that be do not care about my heartache, not at all.
We came home from work and climbed into bed.
We both crave sleep or a coma.
Escapism for sure.
We don't drink.
Maybe we should?
Exercise helps?
Nothing helps.
Work continues.
We're both so busy and under so much stress.
We're both about to crack.
My Dad barely recognizes me anymore.
My heart hurts.
My head hurts.
I cuddle my tiny dog closer and closer, nearly smothering her.
She is small.
My babies are no longer small.
They are not here.
They are not here.
They are not here.
I am here.
But they are not.
Another evening spent, wishing and hoping and praying.
We are lonely in the worst possible way.
Our hearts are broken right now.
I know it's part of the process, this interminable waiting.
But right now I hate certain government offices.
This is not the difference between a child who is three years old and one month vs. three years old and three months.
This is the difference between a five month old and a seven month old
Changes happen. I will not witness them.
I am seriously contemplating flying to Ethiopia and camping out at the foster home until the Embassy finishes.
What if they won't finish?
What if they can't finish?
It's happened before.
I'm being dramatic.
Am I?
Right now, it feels like there is no relief.


  1. I'm so sorry you are feeling so helpless - praying that you find the strength to continue on. "Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." -- Samuel Smiles. Here's to hoping that your two miracles find their way to you...

  2. ((hugs)). My heRt is breaking for you. I wish there was something I could do. I am so in awe of you and your strength. You are hurting in the worst way and yet, you continually give us all strength and support. You are amazing and I am so hoping the stupid embassy works quickly to get your babies home to you.

  3. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug in person. My heart is breaking for you. If you need to break for a little bit, you've earned it for sure. Take good care of yourself and Mr. L.C.

  4. Ugh!!!! I just want to scream at who ever is holding this up! Why, why, why??? They are yours, they need you, I just don't get it! Enough with the waiting already, let's get these babies home! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Big hugs

  5. How is this in their best interest???? What is the freaking holdup??? OMG, honey, I can't even imagine. I'm so, so sorry that this is taking so incredibly long. Thinking of you all the time.

  6. My heart breaks for you both. I know that helpless feeling. I HATE that you are going through it because it is one of the worst feelings ever, especially when it comes to your children. Sending you comfort, because there are no words that will take that pain away. They need to come home. Praying that whoever needs to get their shit together does and that the wheels start turning again so they are on their way home soon!

  7. Oh, I wish you really could camp out at the foster home! I am praying right now that things turn around very very soon. So sad for you...

    Also sorry to hear that your dad barely recognizes you. I can't imagine. So much on your plate right now...

  8. So sorry you are going through this bureaucratic nightmare! You all don't deserve it and I wish there was something I could do to help. Hoping things get resolved quickly,


  9. I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how you are feeling knowing that your babies are a world away. I would probably want to just go over there and be with them until it was finalized too. I'm just so sorry that your babies are not with you. I know the feeling of empty arms, under different circumstances, but I still know the feeling. Your babies should be in your arms. Now. I pray that you get a miracle phone call very very soon. Hugs.

  10. My heart aches for you. And I am angry for what you are missing - wishing there was something we could do to help. But knowing that there is nothing except to hold you in our hearts and hope that good news comes quickly - even though it will never be soon enough. Hang in there.

  11. Aaargh! I can't imagine how this must be for you. Please please please let it be soon!

  12. This is hideous. I am thinking of you all the time.
    Amy xxx

  13. Jill M. beat me to it - whywhywhy????? Ugh, this is just too much, why why why does this take so long??? Don't they know those kids are better with you than in the foster home? don't they want what's best for those kids? whywhywhy????? Waiting sucks.

  14. I am just so very sorry that you keep having hold ups and set backs! And this on top of everything going on with your dad. I, along with the others, just want to yell WHY????!! Sending hugs and prayers!

  15. I am so sorry that you have to be in this pattern. And in this pattern after so many IVFs, infertility, etc... it's just exhaustion and sadness on top of exhaustion and sadness. And the feelings of lack of control... those are no joke. I am thinking of you lots. I wish there was something to say to make it go away, but the best I can think to say is you have every right to your feelings!

  16. i have no words. all i can do is offer my prayers and send hugs. my heart breaks for you.

  17. ACK! I've been trying to comment since yesterday--stupid blogger!

    I've been thinking about you all night. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help ease your pain. I wish you had more control over this process and I can only imagine how frustrated I would be in your shoes. Just know that I am thinking of you and keeping you and your husband in my prayers.

  18. Waiting to travel is excruciating.

    I have no idea what your hold up is. If it is incompetance or needless bureaucracy, I've heard that contacting your congressman can be effective. I hope your agency is advocating for you. Seems like since the hold up is on the US side, you should be able to exert SOME sort of influence. These people work for you, after all.

    Here's hoping something gives soon.

  19. I am just devastated to read this. I am so sorry this is happening. I don't blame you for wanting to drop everything and go to them.... would it make a difference in the possible end outcome? If so, I'd go for it.
    It's so wrong on so many levels.

  20. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is having adopted twice before from two different countries. It seems this is happening a lot in international adoptions right now. An agency in Korea is referring babies as young as 5 months who won't come home until they are over 17 months due to all the red tape with governments. They will be home and the hurt will be over. It will happen. Hang in there.

  21. What a beautiful post! My heart aches for you! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I found you on and am so glad I did. What a beautiful blog. Thank you.

  22. I've never been there, but I can really feel your pain, especially in how you wrote your words. I bet these words just flowed when you wrote this post.

    It's like you are just getting through life right now, but not really living. There is a piece of you that you left behind with those beautiful babies. Now you are wishing time away...but once they are here you will want to slow it right down!

    I'm praying for you guys.

  23. Agony. I am here for you, what can I do to take ACTION? Are there phone calls, government officials, anyone we can petition for help? I've only adopted domestic so I am afraid I'm not familiar with the process internationally. But I will devote everything I have to help bring your babies home. All you have to do is tell me.... what can I do, I'm yours. I will gather on my end if there is anything we can do. Please do let us know. If, and I hope I am wrong, if there is nothing we can do to help, please know I am embracing you from afar. xox, L

  24. I am so sorry for all this frustration and sadness. We are all wishing and hoping beyond all hope that your family will be together soon.

  25. We're here for you - for whatever that's worth...sending strength your way and prayers that this comes to a joyous conclusion soon.

  26. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't even imagine how frustrating this must be, or how hopeless you might feel. I'm wishing nothing but the best for you and your family and hope you get answers soon.

    I'm following along from voiceBoks - it's a great community of parents and bloggers, some that might have been in a similar situation and can offer some comfort. Hope you can make it over to check us out!


  27. I can't imagine what you're going through. exercise, yes. alcohol, yes (for me at least). do what you need to do. hole yourself up, crawl into bed - we're holding you up out here.

  28. I am so sorry! Praying you will be holding your precious babies very soon!

  29. This is not good for any of you. Personally I don't think you're being dramatic talking about camping out at the foster home. If it's possible I would want to do it. I'm sure your pain comes in part from understanding the importance of these early months for the development of your children, and your relationship together. I am so, so sorry that bureaucratic systems prioritise 'themselves' over the wellbeing of kids. I know this from my work. Look after each other - your pain is the pain of parents - you're already there, just not physically together yet. Can you send photos, messages, voice recordings? Can the people caring for your babies talk to them about Mommy and Daddy? Can they use the names you're going to be using? Sending you much love, Clare x

  30. Gosh sooo hoping this gets resolved and SOOOON! I have heard of couples or perhaps the wife camping out at the orphanage before. My friend was thinking about it! If its at all comforting to you she just found out this week they passed all the hurdles and get to pick up their son on June 7th. Please universe...not much longer for you! Hugs.

  31. Oh Mrs MTL. My heart breaks for you and Mr MTL. You need your babies and they need you. Is it possible to take a trip out there or would that be helpful? They will come home soon to your loving, open arms and hearts but I am truly sick that it is taking SO LONG. With love and (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
    Nora xxx

  32. Praying for some sweet relief and soon. Hugs from this corner of the IF blogosphere.

  33. I'm so sorry your family is being held up by governmental bureaucracy. Sometimes it seems like it's even worse (more frustrating) when it's nameless, faceless red tape that's causing a delay rather than a specific person you can pin your outrage on.

    With regard to my comment in my post about "blood family", that was a poor choice of words - I should know better. I'm 100% confident your children will feel a connection to you even without a blood connection. I know if we go on to adopt, we would absolutely feel that connection.

    When I said "blood family", I meant as opposed to my husband's family or the other people my mom and I have informally "adopted" as family, not blood vs. true adoption. I didn't grow up with my aunts/uncle or siblings being in my life on a regular basis - I didn't even know I had siblings until I was about 8 years old. As a result, I feel closer to my husband's family than my own (because we do see them very regularly), but there's always a small part of me that knows really they're "his" family rather than "ours", if that makes sense. And since I don't know my aunts/uncle/siblings that well, they don't really feel like "mine" in the same way that his family feels like "his", if that makes any sense.

    I can't speak from personal experience on the adoption front, but I think the family "connection" (at least, a strong one) comes from being there day in and day out for each other, not from blood (or lack thereof). If I had also had siblings through adoption and had been raised with them but not my genetic siblings, I think the adopted siblings would feel like my family, but I'd still feel this disconnect from my genetic siblings.

    And honestly, now that I'm back home and they're still there, I'm pretty much back to feeling that disconnect again. It seems like those feelings of "family" come to the forefront more when we're physically in the same place (probably because we haven't had much face-to-face time in which to develop a bond).

    Apparently families are a complicated thing, regardless of how they're formed. :-) And regardless of how yours is built, I know your kids will feel a parent-child connection with you.

  34. My god this is just so wrong,but unfortunatly happens more often than not. We too adopted from overseas and after all the red tape did not bring home our sweet baby boy until 11 months after we met him . It was horrible he then had anxiety issues cause was upset at being taken out of the foster carers home whom he had become attached too .The longer they leave it and the older your babies get then it is always giong to be a much harder adjustment for them . My prayers are with you that it wont take as long as ours did. Tammy

  35. My heart breaks for you...