Too many tears today.
Bad news from our agency.
Nothing is happening.
We are powerless.
All we can do is wait.
And look at the two high chairs.
And close the door to the nursery.
And go to sleep, and wake up, and go to work.
And wait.
Day turns into night and night turns into day and nothing seems to change.
The powers that be do not care about my heartache, not at all.
We came home from work and climbed into bed.
We both crave sleep or a coma.
Escapism for sure.
We don't drink.
Maybe we should?
Exercise helps?
Nothing helps.
Work continues.
We're both so busy and under so much stress.
We're both about to crack.
My Dad barely recognizes me anymore.
My heart hurts.
My head hurts.
I cuddle my tiny dog closer and closer, nearly smothering her.
She is small.
My babies are no longer small.
They are not here.
They are not here.
They are not here.
I am here.
But they are not.
Another evening spent, wishing and hoping and praying.
We are lonely in the worst possible way.
Our hearts are broken right now.
I know it's part of the process, this interminable waiting.
But right now I hate certain government offices.
This is not the difference between a child who is three years old and one month vs. three years old and three months.
This is the difference between a five month old and a seven month old
Changes happen. I will not witness them.
I am seriously contemplating flying to Ethiopia and camping out at the foster home until the Embassy finishes.
What if they won't finish?
What if they can't finish?
It's happened before.
I'm being dramatic.
Am I?
Right now, it feels like there is no relief.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The names, and other updates
I am dying over here.
Dying.
I never imagined how hard this would be--could be. Every day without them is agony. It has now been two months since we first boarded that flight to Ethiopia, our stomachs fluttering with butterflies, our hearts about to be opened in a way we didn't even know was possible.
Two months.
Two months of going to sleep praying that someone is picking them up when they cry, that someone is feeding them when they are hungry, that someone is cuddling them close, and singing them songs, and nuzzling their sweet baby necks, and patting their soft baby backs.
Two months.
Our case has hit another snag at the Embassy earlier this week. We spent Monday night near tears as we ran through worst case scenarios, ones we cannot even really allow our hearts and minds to consider. Yet again we're at the mercy of other people, there are circumstances we can do nothing about.
I never thought that at two months post-first visit we'd still be sitting here, waiting, watching the calendar as the days tick by, not slowly, but at rapid-fire pace, another week gone, anther week passed in a flash without them here. Another week (in theory) that brings them closer to us but at the same time another precious week of their lives that we are missing, that can never, ever be recovered.
If you pray, please direct your prayers to the U.S. Embassy, that they work swifty and only in the best interest of our babies, and that we do not disintegrate into madness while we wait for news to travel.
In the meantime, you can add their real names to your pleas to the universe on our behalf, stitched so lovingly onto two beautiful Curious George quilts handmade by a wonderful fellow IF friend and IRL friend from my childhood. First names given by us, second names their beautiful Ethiopian names that will forever be a part of them.
I hope you can read them. I was playing with a camera app to blur out the edges (so I certainly wasn't trying to blur out the details of their quilts, just trying to put the focus on their names).
Two months.
PS Please don't type their names into the comments section--I don't want their names to be searchable, that's why they're presented in a photo format (idea stolen from Claudia!).
Dying.
I never imagined how hard this would be--could be. Every day without them is agony. It has now been two months since we first boarded that flight to Ethiopia, our stomachs fluttering with butterflies, our hearts about to be opened in a way we didn't even know was possible.
Two months.
Two months of going to sleep praying that someone is picking them up when they cry, that someone is feeding them when they are hungry, that someone is cuddling them close, and singing them songs, and nuzzling their sweet baby necks, and patting their soft baby backs.
Two months.
Our case has hit another snag at the Embassy earlier this week. We spent Monday night near tears as we ran through worst case scenarios, ones we cannot even really allow our hearts and minds to consider. Yet again we're at the mercy of other people, there are circumstances we can do nothing about.
I never thought that at two months post-first visit we'd still be sitting here, waiting, watching the calendar as the days tick by, not slowly, but at rapid-fire pace, another week gone, anther week passed in a flash without them here. Another week (in theory) that brings them closer to us but at the same time another precious week of their lives that we are missing, that can never, ever be recovered.
If you pray, please direct your prayers to the U.S. Embassy, that they work swifty and only in the best interest of our babies, and that we do not disintegrate into madness while we wait for news to travel.
In the meantime, you can add their real names to your pleas to the universe on our behalf, stitched so lovingly onto two beautiful Curious George quilts handmade by a wonderful fellow IF friend and IRL friend from my childhood. First names given by us, second names their beautiful Ethiopian names that will forever be a part of them.
I hope you can read them. I was playing with a camera app to blur out the edges (so I certainly wasn't trying to blur out the details of their quilts, just trying to put the focus on their names).
Two months.
PS Please don't type their names into the comments section--I don't want their names to be searchable, that's why they're presented in a photo format (idea stolen from Claudia!).
Sunday, May 15, 2011
At last...
I am finally posting. I wish I were so delinquent for a good reason, like, say, traveling 7,000 miles across the globe to bring my babies home but not so. We're still waiting.
Thank you to those who checked up on me. I'm sorry I've been absent. It's been a strange time to be blogging.
OK. Where have I been and what have I been doing?
The shower.
It was amazing. It was surreal. It was emotional. The love and support I felt in that room was intense and there is not much more I can say about it other than that. Thank you to those who were there, physically and in spirit. I never thought I'd have one, and now I have. I have to look at the pictures myself to see the proof.
(Sister, Mom, and then there's me--the shower was at my house. Check out all the desserts!)
The living room right before everyone got there. You can't see all of them but there were fresh flowers (tulips and gerberas, my favorites!) everywhere. I loved them and wish I was wealthy enough to have fresh flowers all the time!
My sister gave me lots of Curious George stuff, including this adorable onesie for the little man. But when she said she'd been holding on to some of it for six years, well, it brought on some ugly crying on my part (no pics will be shared of that, sorry to disappoint. Just imagine my face, all red and scrunched up and contorted and there you go.)
The nursery:
The nursery.is.finished. We here at the MTL house like a modern aesthetic, but we also wanted to incorporate Curious George. So there you go. It's tough to go in there but I do. I love it as a room, but it hurts right now. Every single day they are growing and changing and I'm not witnessing it. I get my weekly photo update if I'm lucky, and they (of course) continue to be beautiful and gorgeous and perfect and they are growing growing growing. But the truth is, they won't be little babies when we bring them home. I guess I just have to be content with the five days of holding little babies that I had nearly two months ago. 
My favorites are the tree on the wall, the modern little rockers, the zig-zag shelf (bought four year ago, sheesh!) and the red polka dotted rugs, which didn't really show up in the pictures.
Mother's Day.
You know how there's that old saying you can't be a 'little bit pregnant?' Well, it turns out you can be a "little bit of a Mother on Mother's Day." I mean, people kept whooping it up and giving me big Happy Mother's Day wishes which was super nice--don't get me wrong--but without them here it just felt empty. I realize I am closer than I have ever been and believe me when I say I am grateful beyond words to have the privilege of adopting my babies, but it wasn't like I got any sloppy sugars or cuddles with anyone other than my furbabies. I wasn't in a dark state of despair like previous years, and that is something, but it wasn't exactly the most joyous of days.
I don't want to sound like a broken record but it's just tough right now. We're so close--so close--but yet still, literally so far away. They are legally ours but yet we have to go through a third party to get anything done--to get an updated height/weight takes an Act of Congress sometimes. To arrange for an extra doctor's visit took over three weeks. Three weeks! If they were here, if we were a family together here, I could have had it done lickety split. It's wearing on us both. We're trying to enjoy the last 'free weekends' and so we've been doing lots of running and enjoying the outdoors, and seeing friends and family, and zipping here and there but we're tired. We've been running this ultra-marathon for years and it's time to retire those shoes. I've got blisters on top of blisters on top of calluses. But my heart has gotten one million times stronger and bigger, it's just waiting to share itself with the babies.
Up next, their names. I promise I won't take so long this time.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
OMG, a family resemblance?
I have so many posts in the drafts folder right now...I am just all over the place.
- In short--we have raised $3,000 in the fundraiser. Just to make sure everyone knows--this is NOT for our personal fund. This is all for the orphans. We are not doing any personal fundraisers, although we were recently hit with yet another bill (I didn't know it was so expensive to 'purchase' their VISAs!) and I'm getting ever-more-nervous about the last minute notice we'll have to purchase those mega-airline tickets. Yikes. But still, just wanted to let you know that if you purchased a CD or made a donation it will ALL go towards the littlest ones in the world who have few advocates. I wish I could post photos we took of some of them, it would break your hearts.
- We have not heard a peep on our file. It's probably not even AT the U.S. Embassy yet...our agency is still 'working' on it although it is beyond me what they have to do with it. Ugh. I am so sick of this waiting. Yes I know I'm in the home stretch but imagine knowing your babies are out there and you can only wait to hold them. 'Tis a real bitch. And I have to catch myself all.the.time to not just break down and cry over the complete lack of control I have over it.
- We got a new photo yesterday with new weights. Let me just say that they are so small. The 4th and 11th percentiles. I know we can help them catch up but man are they small.
- We also picked names. After much debate and angst. I promise I'll share....soon.
- We finished the nursery. What an undertaking! But I'm really pleased.
- I keep having these little panicked moments that no.one.will.come.to.my.shower. And we need stuff! I worry that I've isolated a lot of fertile friends and now they might just be too annoyed with me to come.
- OK so when I got this photo of little baby girl I immediately thought: she looks just like me! OK, not just like me...but still, do you see the resemblance? I think it's the large forehead, ha. Of course, her ears are much, much more delicate than mine. :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
A little update...
No, we haven't heard from the Embassy. Sigh. I wasn't expecting it or anything but still...a girl can dream.
So...thank you to those of you who have made a donation or purchased a CD, every little bit helps! We're going to start updating the other blog with how much we've raised and what we're trying to purchase. I will say we've still got a ways to go to buy the nebulizers, pulse oximeters, an oven, and of course diapers and formula. But we should be able to get a good, durable heater, hooray! I have confidence that we'll get there for everything.
Speaking of that, I know you know a lot of fertiles. How do I know this? Because I've read your blogs discussing them :) ! And fertiles have kids, duh. So maybe you can send the http://www.ourbabybots.blogspot.com/ link around to them, as you know they are all dying to be the coolest parents on the block and rock to some Mr. MTL.
In other news I'm in a weird never never land. Shhhhh, I'm having a b-a-b-y s-h-o-w-e-r soon and I'm fairly freaked out. I mean, me? And I don't mean that in an awww shucks sort of way. I just mean, me? Yikes. I don't really like to be the center of attention but alas, I am oozing gratitude from my pores that I get to have a baby shower.
OK just got a little chill writing about that so I'm going to stop now.
And can I just say thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comments on the last post. I know they're beautiful, and I don't think I have my Mom-goggles on. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky they are, but you guys know it's me--I am the lucky one.
I'll never be able to post an immediate post-birth photo, but here's my life-changing moment...right when the nanny handed me our son. Enjoy.
PS Don't forget to send the link around!
So...thank you to those of you who have made a donation or purchased a CD, every little bit helps! We're going to start updating the other blog with how much we've raised and what we're trying to purchase. I will say we've still got a ways to go to buy the nebulizers, pulse oximeters, an oven, and of course diapers and formula. But we should be able to get a good, durable heater, hooray! I have confidence that we'll get there for everything.
Speaking of that, I know you know a lot of fertiles. How do I know this? Because I've read your blogs discussing them :) ! And fertiles have kids, duh. So maybe you can send the http://www.ourbabybots.blogspot.com/ link around to them, as you know they are all dying to be the coolest parents on the block and rock to some Mr. MTL.
In other news I'm in a weird never never land. Shhhhh, I'm having a b-a-b-y s-h-o-w-e-r soon and I'm fairly freaked out. I mean, me? And I don't mean that in an awww shucks sort of way. I just mean, me? Yikes. I don't really like to be the center of attention but alas, I am oozing gratitude from my pores that I get to have a baby shower.
OK just got a little chill writing about that so I'm going to stop now.
And can I just say thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comments on the last post. I know they're beautiful, and I don't think I have my Mom-goggles on. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky they are, but you guys know it's me--I am the lucky one.
I'll never be able to post an immediate post-birth photo, but here's my life-changing moment...right when the nanny handed me our son. Enjoy.
PS Don't forget to send the link around!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Pictures! And Hallelujah!
Government shutdown averted--hooray!
Even better news--we pass.ed Eth.iopi.an Co.urt!!
Yes--that means there are two new MTLs in the world. We received the word late yesterday afternoon, right before going to work at the shelter. We looked at each other and said "Congratulations Mommy and Daddy!" and then prayed that the U.S. Government wouldn't let us down. Now we hurry up and wait for the U.S. Emb.assy to process our babies' vi.sas.
Which means that I can show you their photos, but I will only leave them up for a while (don't ask). I think they are adorable, don't you agree?
Here is the link to the blog page we made for CD sales. There you can preview our special song "Our Family" (on the CD, and yes, I'm singing on it too) and link to previews of all the other electro-rocking songs. Think Devo-for-kids kind of music!
OurBabyBots.blogspot.com
Please share the link--our hope is that everyone will share it multiple times on FB, blogs, emails, etc. and we can really generate some much needed supplies for the orphans! And obviously I know not everyone reading here has kids or has any interest in a kids' music CD, but maybe you know someone who would?
Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.
Love,
The MTL Family
Friday, April 8, 2011
1,000 Steps Back
So today was supposed to be a happy post.
A "we passed court" HOORAY type of post, where I would show off pictures of my lovelies.
I have been so good lately, despite this latest court debacle, despite having things delayed two unnecessary weeks (which in terms of my babies' lives and mine is an eternity). For months now I have been able to tolerate pregnant women, fertiles, babies, happy families--I have been ok. I have felt healed.
Until this morning. When I realized that if the federal government shuts down all international adoptions will come to a grinding halt.
So it won't matter if we pass court (still haven't heard by the way, though it was supposed to happen this morning). The U.S. Embassy won't be working on visas, plain and simple.
Orphans will languish in orphanages for however long it takes to get this budget crap figured out, and the line grows longer and longer so that when they reopen there will be a huge backlog. Lovely. Lovely.
Seventeen years ago the federal government shut down for 21 days. Mr. MTL was a federal employee at the time, we were newlyweds by a few months, and he had this sudden vacation. I was also sicker than I'd ever been in my life and he took care of me and it all worked out and we were just out a little pay.
What are the odds that seventeen years later, on the very day that we should be having our case forwarded to the United States Government that the United States Government would shut down?
We have our theories. It's because the Mr. and Mrs. MTL signed up and it seems that despite trying to live pretty decent lives we get kicked in the teeth quite a bit when it comes to family building.
I woke up so happy. I had plans to go to the mall and do some baby clothes shopping. Mostly for others but one little bitty tiny mod swimsuit had finally gone on sale and I wanted to buy it for baby girl. By the time I dragged myself to the mall I had regressed to the angry infertile I used to be, the girl I don't like too much, the girl that makes me depressed and sad. I was shooting daggers at every Mom I saw--I could care less if she struggled to get there the point is her baby is here.
Here.
Not there.
Not potentially held up in limbo while stupid government officials battle it out.
I couldn't buy the clothes that were to be gifts. They didn't even have the swimsuit in the right size. Looking at tiny baby clothes overwhelmed me like it used to and I just had to leave.
I told the Mr. I am on the verge of a major breakdown. I can feel the dam starting to give and believe me, there is a force behind it so great I am just not sure what might happen when it finally goes.
Tonight we're working at the shelter so I guess I'll have to hold it together for that. But the rest of the weekend, if the government does indeed shut down, you can find me curled into a ball on the couch sucking my thumb, ok?
And yes, I know the government shutdown is not necessarily going to happen. But really? Shouldn't I prepare myself for the worst at this point?
PS And if it really shuts down over funding for Planned Parenthood you might just had to admit me to the rubber room. Do.not.even.get.me.started.
A "we passed court" HOORAY type of post, where I would show off pictures of my lovelies.
I have been so good lately, despite this latest court debacle, despite having things delayed two unnecessary weeks (which in terms of my babies' lives and mine is an eternity). For months now I have been able to tolerate pregnant women, fertiles, babies, happy families--I have been ok. I have felt healed.
Until this morning. When I realized that if the federal government shuts down all international adoptions will come to a grinding halt.
So it won't matter if we pass court (still haven't heard by the way, though it was supposed to happen this morning). The U.S. Embassy won't be working on visas, plain and simple.
Orphans will languish in orphanages for however long it takes to get this budget crap figured out, and the line grows longer and longer so that when they reopen there will be a huge backlog. Lovely. Lovely.
Seventeen years ago the federal government shut down for 21 days. Mr. MTL was a federal employee at the time, we were newlyweds by a few months, and he had this sudden vacation. I was also sicker than I'd ever been in my life and he took care of me and it all worked out and we were just out a little pay.
What are the odds that seventeen years later, on the very day that we should be having our case forwarded to the United States Government that the United States Government would shut down?
We have our theories. It's because the Mr. and Mrs. MTL signed up and it seems that despite trying to live pretty decent lives we get kicked in the teeth quite a bit when it comes to family building.
I woke up so happy. I had plans to go to the mall and do some baby clothes shopping. Mostly for others but one little bitty tiny mod swimsuit had finally gone on sale and I wanted to buy it for baby girl. By the time I dragged myself to the mall I had regressed to the angry infertile I used to be, the girl I don't like too much, the girl that makes me depressed and sad. I was shooting daggers at every Mom I saw--I could care less if she struggled to get there the point is her baby is here.
Here.
Not there.
Not potentially held up in limbo while stupid government officials battle it out.
I couldn't buy the clothes that were to be gifts. They didn't even have the swimsuit in the right size. Looking at tiny baby clothes overwhelmed me like it used to and I just had to leave.
I told the Mr. I am on the verge of a major breakdown. I can feel the dam starting to give and believe me, there is a force behind it so great I am just not sure what might happen when it finally goes.
Tonight we're working at the shelter so I guess I'll have to hold it together for that. But the rest of the weekend, if the government does indeed shut down, you can find me curled into a ball on the couch sucking my thumb, ok?
And yes, I know the government shutdown is not necessarily going to happen. But really? Shouldn't I prepare myself for the worst at this point?
PS And if it really shuts down over funding for Planned Parenthood you might just had to admit me to the rubber room. Do.not.even.get.me.started.
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