The other side

This post is not about getting to the other side.

No. This post is just about the other side of adoption. The loss side.

How I wish that adoption was all positive and happy and light for everyone involved. But anyone who thinks that way is fooling themselves. Because can anyone come up with any good and happy reason a child winds up in an orphanage?

I was talking with Mr. MTL the other day and saying that maybe our infertility will help us uniquely understand some of the loss that goes with adoption from the adoptee's side. Because what is infertility if not a giant loss?

We have lost a genetic connection to our future.
Our babies have lost a genetic connection to their past.

True, I do not think it will help much (to them anyway) during the angsty teenage years when they (as most teenagers) struggle with identity issues and wonder (probably--likely much much more profoundly) "Who am I?" Because when you're a teenager it's your job to only see things from the myopic perspective you have, and that's perfectly acceptable. But one day, probably when they have children (genetic) they will see that maybe dear old Mom and Dad had an inkling of the sadness that goes with the forced loss of genetics.

Am I saying that genetic connections are the most important things? Well, no, not at all. But to minimize them is foolish. It's disrespectful. Just like I didn't like it when people told us we could 'just adopt' I would never want someone to act like my children should be grateful for being adopted and try to gloss over the fact that their adoption started with a loss so great I cannot even comprehend it...because it's the opposite loss of my own.

I am profoundly sad for my babies' birth mothers. And their birth fathers. And any genetic siblings they may have. And aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and grandparents. Because due to circumstances beyond their control they have lost them and they didn't choose that. I will not ever go into details of my babies' circumstances because it is no one's business but their own, but like I said at the beginning of the post--is there ever a happy reason a child is in an orphanage?

Babies, I know one day you will ache with loss. And that sense of loss is painful beyond words, for I have felt it, too, in my own way. But luckily I am on the recovering side of the loss because I have you.  I was told this week by a fellow adoptive mother that a family is made when you can put your arms around someone physically.

Well babies--be ready! We plan to wrap our arms around you so tightly and love you so much and make a family that will help you in any way we possibly can as you understand your past.

It will be a goofy family (sorry for that!) but it will be our family.