Sunday, February 20, 2011

Something I Usually Hate...

First up, before I get to the real post--thank you immensely for the support and suggestions last time! I will post more info on the CD (pretty much finished!) soon.

This is a post I wrote a while back and just hadn't published it, so here you go....

There is one thing (many things) that I don't like about myself: how I hate to be wrong. I will argue a point for hours if I think I am right. My parents always told me I should be an attorney (ha) while at the same time encouraging me to be a writer (!). Ironically, my mother told me not to be a teacher or a nurse because my future was open to so much more than that, as opposed to hers...and I was a teacher and now am an advanced practice nurse. Whoops. But I digress.

I hate to be wrong. I need to be right. It's a personal flaw, one of which I am well aware.

But I am wrong.

For years I have hurt.
So deeply, pain I didn't even know existed.
I have said these words many times but they are just so true.

I have cried, I have avoided, I have hid, I have seethed, I have cried some more. I have watched what I perceived to be the fertile world going on around me and I have felt isolated. I have felt lost. I have felt purposeless and then felt utterly crappy for feeling that way. I have received invitations to baby showers and birth announcements and ignored them. I have been rude. I have been unavailable. I have been unforgiving. I have blamed. I have fumed. I have cried on my couch. I have collapsed on the floor. I have been scraped off the floor.

I have been all of those things and many, many more because of infertility. I have spent over five years feeling an undercurrent of sadness that has threatened to wash me right away.

And now, I am wrong.

Wrong because I had been told that one day I would not hurt so much anymore, maybe not at all. That one day the genetic connection I fought so hard so get would simply not matter, it would simply fade into the background.

I would always nod politely on the outside and seethe on the inside. Sometimes I would cry, but mostly I would think to myself: YOU are wrong. YOU do not know. YOU are not me.
And now, I am wrong. I was wrong.
The babies, from the second I laid eyes on them--those babies became real to me in a way I did not know could exist. They are mine and I am theirs. No, I do not--will not--ever own them. But I will be privileged to parent them, to love them, to nurture them, to mother them.

And I read about former infertiles who had ART success saying the scars still run so deep but right now, I am not hurting. I am free from that pain. I am not even noticing the scars.
I am in shock and disbelief about this but why would I intentionally hold onto any pain if it isn't there?
It's gone.
Those babies, my babies, are there and waiting and they need me, the whole me, complete, not still suffering me.

And so many times I want to shout this from the rooftops, to others still deep in the trenches, fighting so hard to have the genetic connection, and then I realize, I could say it one million times and they would think: no, YOU are wrong. And that's OK. Because no one else is me, and our stories are all unique.

It doesn't happen often, when I freely admit I was wrong. But I can't imagine a better thing about which to be wrong.


  1. Yay for being wrong! (in this case. LOL!) I can only hope my scars fade away too.

  2. amazing post. We have had the experience of someone telling us "when you get your baby (in this case babies....." and felt our entire bodies cringe at the sound of those words. I think this is a lesson that we cannot really learn until we are out of it. The journey itself is just too painful and consuming to really be able soo through it.
    There is something about your writing though that makes it easier to hear and not cringe or roll my eyes.
    I am so glad that you are moving to the other side of this and can begin healing.

  3. Amazing post. I am so happy for you. And I hope this helps some people.

  4. I'm glad you were wrong. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, and complete. I can't wait until the babies are home with you - I'm literally counting the days.

  5. I am so happy that you have been able to heal yourself and your pain. Those babies are bringing you more joy and happiness right now and you don't even have them in your arms!! I am going to put a request in: someone needs to be holding a camera, focused on you and at the moment you see those babies, that face, that moment needs to be captured! I can't wait until they are home with you both :)

  6. Love the post.. it made me think of the final episode of sex and city.. when they see the picture of their adoptive baby for the first time. They just knew "that's our baby"

  7. Simply beautiful.

    From someone still stuck in the trenches, fighting this battle against infertility, thank you. Thank you for giving me hope.

  8. Soooo glad you were wrong, so glad!!! =))) I just love hearing your true happiness.

  9. I have tears in my eyes. I am so happy you were wrong. So so happy. Your beautiful babies will be happy too:-) I didn't dare share my experience on the other side of IF because I didn't want to tick anyone off...but, even though I am going through it again in a way, the pain is gone too. I'm not bitter at all...its almost like I forgot all that we went through once I had my little one...and so I am so happy to hear you feel the same way. Its beautiful, isn't it?

  10. SO happy you have finally found this peace. You deserve all the happiness these two precious souls bring to you. All the best to you and Mr. MTL. :)

  11. I also hate being wrong. Even as a young person, I would know I was wrong and still argue my point. I'm at least big enough now to admit my wrongs, but it still hurts.
    I agree that this is something that's totally RIGHT to be wrong about. :) So excited for you- for this whole process and for everything!

  12. This is exactly what I needed to read. I feel like I am in a different place right now than I usually am...a not so sunshine-y place. So, thank you.

    I hope to be able to write a similar post about the overwhelming joy once we do get placed with our baby.

    XO and SO HAPPY for you.

  13. It's good to see someone excited for a change :)

  14. You give me hope that I won't always hurt this badly. I'm so happy you've made it to the other side. I can't wait until you're posting about your life with your twiblings.


  15. "I am free from that pain". Delighted to read those words. It's been a long haul. But you have truly come out the other side. Looking forward to that day too for the rest of us (now on yr 4 of assisted fertility, would relinquish my genetics in a heartbeat; unfortunately DH does not agree. Boo). SOO looking forward to seeing photos of your babies when you are free to post them

  16. If you have to be wrong about something, this is the perfect thing! :)

  17. I guess if you have to be wrong about something, this is a pretty good one to pick. LOL.

  18. I've just finished reading a book where one of the characters says 'you don't know what you're going to feel until you feel it' and as I read thi post, that just leapt back into my head. It's so true! When we met our babies, I wrote about how I didn't feel ANYTHING like I thought I was going to feel... I'm so glad you get to write the same thing, but in such a happy way! Hooray for being wrong, in this exceptionally good way!

  19. you fill me with loads of hope!

    New blog address, btw, for moi:

  20. As someone else still in the trenches, but trying to fight my out, I will also say thank you for writing this beautiful post. You have given me hope.

    I am so happy for you and can't wait until you get to bring your babies home.

  21. Oh god, I hope so. I hope I am wrong too and that this pain will go away. I am so happy for you that you are healed, that this is over, or at least that you know you are moving forward.

  22. Really, really happy to read your post. i so looked forward to these days for you, I knew they would come. I am very happy to know that you are so happy!
    Sofia from DS

  23. Wow.

    Wow. Wow Wow.

    I hope to join you in the "pain-free" (not numb, mind you) state.

    Bless you!

  24. Oh wow! Are we on the same page these days or what? Though I don't have those two babes images smiling back at me, I know in my heart of all hearts that I have healed this deep wound of IF and NOW I have room to be a mom.

    I applaud you for always, and I mean always, being so honest and pure, so insightful and raw with your emotions and words.

    It makes me grin ear-to-ear to know that your future is bright and not shadowed by your past.

    BIG ((HUGS))

  25. I've been wanting to post for ages but Blogspot is blocked at work and for some reason I can't post comments from my Blackberry. Anyhow, I wanted to say I would love to purchase some of Mr MTL's CD's. I can just picture my babies booging to his music! About this post.... you made me cry as I've been in that place where the pain starts receding and your life takes on a more normal form. The scars are deep and you will still find yourself flinching at a birth announcement or pg announcement. Just slightly because you're no longer in that place but your survival mechanism is still in place. I am so happy for you and can't wait for more news about your babies.

  26. I love this post b/c I can relate. We adopted our son and the pain is all gone. This was supposed to be my child and if I had adopted sooner then it would not be him. I had to go thru all the IF treatments and the ectopic for him. He is my blessing.

  27. so I didn't know how to reply to your post....sooooo I am here :) How strange you can't see my blog from home...I will have to change it! I have been looking for a good background and keep coming up empty:( I hope you are feeling better! xo